Then she said "We might as well get married"

As most of the blog followers know, I am not romantically involved with any females... at all. I am trying to date and find that special someone, but to no avail just yet. I do want to eventually get married, and I would like to have a family, I just have not met her yet. One of the blessings about living in Rexburg is the guy to girl ratio is in my favor, and so I do get hit on more times than not. Also, working where I do, the errant hand of an elderly woman sometimes finds its way into previously uncharted area...

Last friday, the 28th of May I was at work. Having been recently given a promotion to a Restorative Nursing Assistant, RNA for short, I get to work with residents doing therapy instead of manning the bedpans and assisting with showers. I think some of the residents picked up on the new vibe I have been giving out, and started to act out in response.

One lady in particular, we'll call her Betty age 87 with Alzheimers, decided to make my day. Early into my shift, she decided to wake up and start her morning laps. Betty is one of the more mobile people in the facility and has a busted old crimson walker with a black wire basket that doubles as a seat. The basket is stuffed, dare I say busting with useless artifacts found throughout the home. Napkins, kleenex, romantic novels, plastic spoons, music books stolen from the piano room, assort

ed cups from the dining hall, etc. Betty is quite the character.

As Betty was doing her laps around the hallways, she saw me and made a bee line towards me. Fearing for my shins (They have been collided into by many a walker) I put my hands out to stop the advancing metallic device. Betty then proceeded to invite me back to her room for a "good time" as she put it including the quotation marks. I respectfully declined, but to mixed shock and horror, she decided to not wait for a room. I can only assume that she felt her birthday suit was more appropriate for the situation as she started to unbutton her blouse. Having worked at the home for several months, I was well equipped to handle the situation. Buttoning up the blouse and assisting to the dining hall for breakfast, she started to talk about her desire for a family. I assured her that she already has one and I am looking for a younger woman.

Those were the wrong words.

Remember now that we are on our way to the dining hall, which is right next to the front door. One of out corporate officials (who incidentally looks like a carbon copy of Dolores Umbridge) was visiting and had just walked in as I uttered my desire for a more youthful bride to Betty. I could instantly tell this was the perfect storm. Betty looked me in the eye and exclaimed "Well then why am I wearing your clothes?" Just after that, a very Umbridge style cough came from the frog-like woman. But Betty was not done... then she said, "we might as well get married."

Realizing I could not salvage this conversation at all, and fully expecting Miss Umbridge to have a few words for me after work, all I could do was laugh. For some reason, I am talented with the middle aged woman, and experts with the elderly ones. I think I am going to have to consult with Sam about the younger ladies... he would know.

Happy Mothers Day

The earliest memory that I have of my mom is in San Ramon. We had been a family for a while, an things were moving along quite well. It was time for me to go to school, at Neil Armstrong Elementary. I was going to attend kindergarten. I still was rockin the curly and sun bleached blonde mullet. No doubt I was a cute kid. Mom was very concerned about me having ashy knees and elbow's. To combat that, copious amounts of Vasaline lotion was applied to my arms and legs. I had little noodle arms and so mom would put lotion on the arms and then squeeze her hands together and I would pull out my arm. It was a bonding moment for me. For some reason, it made me feel loved and very secure. I am not sure if i ever told mom how much I loved it, but I would look forward to it every day. It helped me grow closer to the woman who is easily the most influential and beloved woman in my life. Thank you mom for your patience and wisdom while raising me. You are an amazing mother and I am lucky to call you my mom. I love you.

Love, Jacob